Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
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What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
emergency phone
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Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
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Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
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