Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?

Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.

Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.

M:

H: Please leave Home Depot.

I’ll be mad as hell!

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

I wanna be friends with this person

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

[goes to walmart]

[later]

Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?

Me: Even better than that…

[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]