Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
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2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.