Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
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[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her