Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
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When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Blew out my flip flop…
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.