Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
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the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Become ungovernable.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.