Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
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A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.