Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
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“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
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