Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
You Might Also Like
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Tell me you get it…🤣
“Worm Regards”
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.