Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”

The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.

your elf on the shelf was delicious

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

A baby bear catches snowflakes.

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon

Wife:

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”