Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
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Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I’m not wrong
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich