Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
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home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.