Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
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Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.