Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

BRO LMFAO

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee

If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

it must be school picture day

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.

[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

This is hilarious….

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that

My body: are you serious? have you seen us?

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.