Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
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Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
no exceptions
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I beg your pardon?
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.