Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
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Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.