Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

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My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”


I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.


In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!


Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.


What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.


(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.


THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.


Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?


[math class]

teacher: ok, so how would you order a subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

me: by crawling to the counter lmao

teacher: again, please get out of my class, or your son gets an F


me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?