@PimpBillClinton

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

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@krisv_723

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

@Breadery

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

@DaddyBeerGuy

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

@just1fool

Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.

@Aspersioncast

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

@Pro_Jones_

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

@LizHackett

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

@badbanana

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

@daemonic3

[math class]

teacher: ok, so how would you order a subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

me: by crawling to the counter lmao

teacher: again, please get out of my class, or your son gets an F

@DrakeGatsby

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?