@PimpBillClinton

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

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@msdanifernandez

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

@TheBoydP

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…

@DonSchanke

For once I would like to find a babysitter that doesn’t get all upset when she gets to my house and realizes I don’t have kids

@musculardog

People change.

Except for that homeless guy down the street. Pretty sure he’s had the same clothes on since the 90’s.

@ndiquote

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

@LizHackett

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

@pixelatedboat

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

@Probgoblin

Fun fact about Earth: It is an insane hellworld where a species of ape has harnessed the power of liquefied dead things to destroy itself.

@miss_foofoo

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”