Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
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Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Breaking news:
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”