Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
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I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.