Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
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-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”