anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
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A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.