Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

doctor: no heavy exercise for a month

me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something

dr: normal activity should be fine

me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling

dr: uh

me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side

Men: Remember that time…

Women: Yes

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

Who’s drunk

*raises leg

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

Text: can I talk to you about something?

Me: throws phone in ocean

HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?