anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
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If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.