anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
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Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.