anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
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Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Children of the corn 🌽
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…
3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisibleWhy you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…
3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.