Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”

-first taxidermist

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

[princess gets captured in a castle]

[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]

When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy