Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

real

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…

Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”

The Lion In Me:

Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….