Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me

me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP

also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?