Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
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Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Said the murderer.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”