Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

Nobody:

Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

I’ve disappointed better people.

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.

It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

[Valentine’s Day]

Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?

Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years