Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

Husband of the year 😂

Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*

My foot: I’LL GET IT

My brain: NO YOU IDIOT

Well there goes my Wednesday night.

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.