Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
You Might Also Like
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
