Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
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My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
mmm onion ringos
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.