Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

HR said no more nunchucks.

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!

GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.

Me, reading some of your tweets

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*