Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

6YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

“You want me to do what?!”🤣

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work

Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.

These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.

BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE

me: there’s a bunch of cars following us

date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster

You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE