Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
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When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?