Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
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Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
😭😭😭
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
🤔😂😂
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…