Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
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ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
finally
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.