Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
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CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.