Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
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Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.