Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1581906566533550081/pu/vid/720x1280/cN-oICEk03dqvz21.mp4?tag=12

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

This is the dumbest apocalypse ever

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”