Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
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I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
knights of the ikea table
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.