Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
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Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
#ParentingFacts
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?