Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
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[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.
In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*
In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
What’s so funny?
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.