Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc

Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*

Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

What if the weather talks about us?

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old: The dog.

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

*first date*

Her: So what animal would you be?

Me: Oh a cat for sure!

Her: Aw cute!

(Later that night)

Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*

Her: …Ok considerably less cute.

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”

“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.