Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
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[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Nice try Hitler
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.