Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
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Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.