Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
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“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Passwords are more important than ever.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.