Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

excuse me

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

Eating for two.

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us..

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

if you relate to me, get some help

“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus