Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
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I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
God tier horse name today on the sims
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.