Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
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i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.