Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.

Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”

i wouldn’t say I have an addiction, but the ladies at my local Taco Bell just threw me a surprise baby shower.

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.