Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.

[knock on my front door]

Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?

Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?

Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*

Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

Me: I am forever in your debt

Bank manager: That is accurate

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

Welcome to your fifties…

AT 10PM WE SLEEP

AT DAWN WE PEE

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.

customer service: do you have the boomerang?

man: no, that’s the whole problem

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.