anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
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Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.
One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.
The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like “well that doesn’t seem safe”
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I already tried new things thanks.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan