Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.

Said the murderer.

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

*beach*

Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!

Me: I guess that makes you a liar.

Lifeguard: Excuse me?!

Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”

911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds