Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

smh

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?

Her: Sparkling water.

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.

Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?

Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

How software testing works

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

Angel: Welcome to Heaven

Me: But… this is a Costco…

A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need

M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.