Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lmfao

Happy Friday

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results

Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

If twitter has taught me anything alot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.

Me: What was it testing?

11: My patience.

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

What should we call our new store?

“Will we sell pottery?”

No.

“Is it in a barn?”

No.

“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”

Hell, I love it Carl.

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures

Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you