anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
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Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.