Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit

Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year

The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok