Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)

Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends

Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

Kids: *misbehaving in public*

Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.

Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.