Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first

Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready

Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*

Model: Who the hell are you

Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin

just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.