Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
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What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.