Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
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Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
no
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.