Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
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Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
🔥🔥
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”