Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

I want to meet the individual who made this

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing

ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me

GUY: DAMMIT

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

choose your gary

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

Waffles make excellent pill organizers

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what