Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
You Might Also Like
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
thinking about this
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go