Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
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(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:beast:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Taliband
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice