Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

Friend: what are you doing for VD?

Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Friend: Valentine’s Day…

Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”

U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH

“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

I just stabbed a pin in my arm.

Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.

People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.