Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
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Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Why the f*** is it called the restroom I am fighting for my life in here
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
For those that worship cheese..
One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.