Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

8yo: Can you just say nothing?

3yo: Nothing

8yo: No, just say nothing

3yo: Nothing!

8yo: No, can you just be silent?

3yo:

3yo: NOTHING!

It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋

[building on fire]

ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary

CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday

ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete

Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.