Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
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i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN