Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
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[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
LMAO