Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
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neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.