Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie