I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
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Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.