Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news

ME: can you tell me what it is

DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared

Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:

1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

Tell me you get it…🤣

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

Saturday

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”