Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away

That’s motherhood summed up for you

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”