Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.

Hey i am sexy to you now

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

so much to do