Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

No flush

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

jesus, what did this guy do

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!